A Most Unlikely Jester
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: They said I couldn't mold energy properly. That I was born with malformed chakra coils. I tried not to listen to them, tried to ignore them entirely. Failure. I couldn't use jutsu. Not really. That's alright. I learned something even better. Now, I'm alive again. Fighting in another war. Again. And the world...is gonna have a bad time. Narutoxharem. Triple Crossover, of sorts.
1. A Most Unlikely Jester

**A/N: *****EDIT***

**BEHOLD THE TROLLS!**

**Look at the reviews page if you don't believe me. I've left them up so people can SEE what I'm dealing with here. Pages upon pages of them. ****They're drowning out all the reviews and...I just...ugh. ****Why am I still dealing with this shite?!**

**Just suspend your disbelief for this story. ****You'll have a better time that way~!**

***EDIT*EDIT***

**More flames, eh?**

**Well. That tears it, then.**

**If people keep saying I write parodies?**

**Guess what?! You're going to get a bloody parody!**

**Really, the tag should've given that away awhiiiiiiiiiiiiile ago.**

**Consider this a triple crossover of sorts, or what-have-you. Worked really hard on it.**

**I HAVE A COMPUTER AGAIN! HUZZAH! Some of the font is deliberately messed up to reflect Naruto's mental state. ****Don't take this story too seriously. Or do. That's your choice. You have yours, and I have mine. I suppose that's some form of Determination, eh?**

**Hmm...if I had to put this Naruto's personality into words, if I had to describe him with a single sentence...**

**Sans.**

**From Undertale.**

**ON. ABSOLUTE. STEROIDS.**

**Aaaaaaaaaaand A Most Unlikely Caster got shredded. ****On the plus side, recent updates have flushed out some of the actual trolls with an account, one of whom not only hit me with some nasty words, but blocked me and prevented me from replying to them. Then they turned right around and did it again with another account. Rude, much? Then it turns out that one was a prank.**

**Eh, I'm a forgiving guy, so I let it slide.**

**For the sake of decency-because I actually have some unlike these trolls-I won't give out their account names. I do not endorse or enclose harassment of any kind. I repeat! Do NOT harass them. None of that! Don't perpetuate the cycle of violence.**

**Let's all be kind to one another, eh?**

**On the other hand, I've also made peace with a few of my detractors. That's good.**

**To Someone*that's their actual tag*all is forgiven.**

**Now, I'm not begging for reviews here. I'm grateful for every kind word and criticism I get. But its when folks curse and threaten me that I begin to lose my temper. ****Anyway, I'm off to work another double. Looking forward to your reviews when I get back. ****So here. Have a parody. Enjoy. ****Out of spite for the trolls. Enjoy it. Have at ye.**

**Reviews are love. Reviews are life. Reviews make me strive. And alive.**

**As ever, this will be gone in _two days_ if folks don't like it.**

**References are glorious and I own nothing~!**

**And yes, this is actually a class~!**

**Rhymes are meant to be silly~!**

_"Do you wanna have a bad time?_

_Because if you take another step forward, well._

_...you are REALLY not gonna like what happens next."_

_~Sans._

**A Most Unlikely Jester**

_They said I couldn't mold energy properly. That it wasn't my fault. That I had to accept it._

_Something about hypersensitivity and being born with malformed chakra coils._

_I tried not to listen to them, tried to ignore them entirely._

_A failure, they called me. The Last Dropout._

_I refused to accept it._

_Look at all the good that did me; all I had was taijutsu, that is to say, physical combat, and I was lousy. I couldn't use Ninjutsu or Genjutsu. They were all but barred to me. Attempting to use any true jutsu caused such terrible pain that I could barely breathe. I taught myself walk up trees and walls, run across water, but that wasn't enough. They refused to look at me, or even try to find a way to help me. So I pranked them. Really. It was the only sensible thing to do. No one gave me the time of the day unless I made them. So I did. __And it was glorious._

_I glued teachers to their seats._

_I painted the Four Stone Faces orange._

_I had half the village glaring at me, but it was worth it._

_They flunked me out of the Academy again and again, but my pranks only became more elaborate._

_ After my fourth failure they wouldn't let me so much as **try** to enter for fear of what I might do. My tricks were nothing short of **Legendary** by then. Still the rest of the village mocked me. Insults hounded my every step like starving dogs baying for a meal. Pitiful. Pathetic. Failure. Failure! **FAILURE!** And finally my dream, that one shining beacon of hope that I'd held onto for so very long...fell apart like a house of cards. So too did any hope of becoming a true shinobi._

_I trained myself into the ground, and they still...still...**StIlL rEjEcTeD mE?!**_

_Whoops! Sorry about that. Madness Enhancement's a right bitch to deal with sometimes._

_But rather than go completely mad, I was given a way out; my mind went...in a different direction._

_When I tried to leave the village, it didn't exactly work out the way I planned. Surprisingly, I actually managed to leave. I slipped out in the dead of night. No one came after me. No one tried to stop me. No one bothered to even look for me. I wasn't a shinobi after all, wasn't anyone special; just a container for the Kyuubi. I couldn't even use its power. Not really. I thought I was home free. I didn't know where I wanted to go, I just knew that it wasn't here. Y'see, the escaping part was easy. THAT went off without a hitch. It was what came after that...complicated things._

_I tripped. _

_Fell down a hole._

_A rather ignoble end, don't you think?_

_ I should've died immediately. That fall broke every bone in my body. Yet, somehow, I didn't die. Ain't that a laugh? I survived. For all the good it did me. __My body was so utterly shattered beyond repair that I had no hope of escaping that hole; not before I starved to death. There was no food down there. Only dark, cold stone. I was alone. No one knew I was missing. No one would come looking for me. I would die as I'd lived, a prankster without a purpose._

_ Life's a bad joke, wouldn't you say?_

_But in that darkness, someone found me. Or perhaps I found them? Mind's still fuzzy on the details. Regardless, that event that would change my life forever. I remember a lone blue blazing in the dark. A hand like ice on my head. They asked me questions, lots of them; who I was. Why I was here? How I had fallen down. What I wanted to do with my life. __You see, in the end, it wasn't anyone I knew that saved me. It wasn't Iruka. Or the old man. Or anyone from the village for that matter. Not even that bastard fox._

_It was a skeleton._

_Sounds funny, doesn't? What would the living have to do with the dead? A lot, apparently._

_He was dying too, you see._

_I wonder, how does a skeleton die?_

_He said something about being wounded, landing in this world by accident. Something about a shortcut gone wrong. I didn't understand. Still don't. Undead don't bleed, but this one did. Even now I remember the sight of him; his jacket torn, the blood on his shirt. His blood was the same color as mine. Heh. Suppose we weren't so different at all in the end._

_His name was Sans__._

_We talked for awhile. Not like we had anything better to do down in that pit. It could've been hours; might've been days. I don't remember. Eventually I came to realize the truth; he wasn't from this world at all. What do you call a dimension-hopping skeleton? There's a pun to be made there, but I can'd do it for the life of me._

_And at the end we cut a deal._

_He told me he was tired of living, of existing only to inevitably die again. I never quite understood that. How many times had he died before this? Still, I empathized with him; begged him to kill me before I starved to death or worse, went mad from hunger. _

_Perhaps he saw something in me that day. Perhaps I reminded him of someone. Perhaps he was feeling petty. I don't know. __Instead of granting my wish the bastard gave me his SOUL and all that came with it. His bones, to replace those I had broken. His power, in place of my own powerlessness. He forced me to live and keep living for reasons I still don't understand, nor ever will. __All on the condition that I promised to live. Not for others, but for myself. __I think...I inherited more than just his soul. My pranks weren't really devilish until after our union._

_Naruto died that day._

_ So did Sans the Skeleton._

_What remained was some strange amalgamation of the two._

_I still looked like myself, for the most part. Just...leaner. On the outside, not much changed. I gained a burning blue right eye that just wouldn't go out, but I'll be damned if it didn't look cool. You know...t__here wasn't even anything left of Sans to bury at the end. What was left of him turned to dust, leaving his jacket behind. I buried the dust of my first and last friend, said my prayers, and picked up his jacket. Now, that's a bad joke if I've ever heard one. I cared more for a stranger of a few hours than the village that raised me. Worst damn joke I've ever heard._

_So I took up that old blue hoodie, wall-walked my way out of that god awful place, and never looked back._

_I could've gone anywhere; in the end I just picked a direction and started walking south._

_The first hunter squad to finally find me got themselves tarred and feathered._

**_ThErEsToFtHeMhAdAbAdTiMe._**

_I couldn't learn any jutsu; the best I could ever hope to do was walk on walls and water. But In time I gained something even better. _

_Putting Sans and his "unique" set of skills aside, I developed an even more dangerous talent._

_That's right; I learned how to dodge._

_For all my power, my new body was...flimsy...at first. Little more than skin draped across bones. One good solid hit and I was dead as dust. So I mastered the ancient art of don't-get-hit-you-dumbass. __Your enemy could be the strongest in the world, but it doesn't mean jack-shit if they can't hit you in the first place. Heh. PUN-bearable, isn't it? I'm not sorry. I guess you could say I had a skeleTON of fun. Why the long face? Did my words strike a NERVE? Cut you down to the BONE?_

_Ha! I could do this all day!_

_I guess you could say his death gave me a purpose._

_Everyone who ever came after me, be it old classmates, super-secret-organizations, or even madman with a bender about ruling the world; they all left with singed eyebrows and a skull-full of puns. What? I prided myself on my works. I pranked everyone equally. Rich and poor, great and small. Who woulda thought pranks-or a rogue prankster-could save the world? I didn't. Really! I wasn't trying to make myself a legend at all! It was an accident, I swear! Y'see, I think I finally aggravated my enemies so much that they all just decided NOPE! Not dealing with him! The Moon's Eye Plan? Forget about it! World domination? Screw that! Not worth it!_

_At the end of it all, I settled down and adopted a pair of nameless orphans. Named the first Frisk. Second one was Chara._

_They were good girls, a little unruly at times, but good. Made my life better before the end._

_Would you believe I opened up a restaurant and started serving spaghetti?_

_Turns out I had a knack for cooking._

_Who knew?_

_See, coincidences like **that** almost makes me thing the old bag-of-bones is still somewhere in my head, subtly influencing my actions. Because I remember him mentioning something about a brother with a mad love of all things pasta. Wherever he is, that lanky bastard's probably laughing his nonexistent ass off right about now. But enough about my past and how I died._

_Tell me, what am I known for?_

_Pranks. Chaos. Puns._

_BIIIIIIIINGO!_

_I've peered into the abyss during my life and seen what's out there, but never traveled to any of them. Never had the capacity. I could see, I could hear, but not touch. Never touch. No matter how strong I became, no matter how fast, no matter how absurd the prank. I could only watch. There are...well. A lot of me. Not "me" per-se, but other versions of myself. Endless possibilities, all of them._

_Eventually I died and surprise, surprise, my soul went to the Throne._

_You see, its all mischief._

_That's all I've ever been known for._

_But you see, they know nothing of me._

_And because of that, they'll never see me coming._

_By that reckoning, I'm not a bad guy. No, no, no. There are way worse incarnations of myself out there. I've seen one who eats planets for breakfast. Nasty chap. Me? I've only ever fought with my fists when I had to, not to kill, not to hurt, just to escape. I'm no Saber, Lancer, Archer, or what-have-you. I can't use a jutsu to save my life. Even if the Eight Gates are a bit of an exception. I'm just a trickster. A prankster. If there's a class for me, it can only be one._

_Jester._

_Now, I'll pull the greatest deception of all time._

_With meticulous planning, tenacity spanning decades of denial, that's simply why I'll be king. Undisputed. Respected. Saluted. And seen for the wonder that I am. Not a kage-oh no-but a lord of fools, oho! I'll pull the wool over their eyes, it'll be quite the surprise, the last one that they'll ever see!_

_Yes, all these schemes and ambitions have been bared!_

_So listen well, watch and see! Be prepared!_

_For a prank unlike any other!_

_For all of my brothers!_

_For me._

* * *

_(...0o0o0...)_

* * *

_Ryunosuke all but bounced on his feet._

So cool!

For the better part of a day now he'd been messing about with some blood and a book of jokes found in his family's attic.

"Right, like this, I guess?" pausing, he considered his work he'd traced with a bloodied toe, the grisly circle he'd carved before him. "Whaddya think, kid?"

The boy bound at his feet-whose parents he'd murdered only minutes ago-could only offer a muffled shriek.

"Do you think demons exist, kiddo?" ignoring the soon-to-be sacrifice, he continued clumsily tracing the circle with all the skill of an amateur artist. "All the papers and magazines out there call me a demon. But wouldn't that be kinda rude if demons really did exist? You've gotta be clear about these things, ya know?"

Another muffled scry.

He was not a magus in the traditional sense, but rather descended for a once prestigious lineage that had called Fuyuki its home. Through blind, bloody luck and scattered notes left behind by his ancestors, he had tried to summon a "demon" by creating a summoning circle. The catalyst for said circle, you ask? Why, the blood of a murdered family, of course!

There could be no finer substitute!

Mass murderer he may be, but he had standards.

"Sup!" grinning he dropped down on his haunches and snapped off a snarky salute, causing his victim to finch. "I'm Uryuu Ryuunosuke, and I'm a demon! How's that?!" Despite the terror of his quivering victim, his expression faltered. "I dunno if that's how I should be introducing myself...eh, whatever. So, like, I found this!"

Triumphantly, he brandished the battered tome before the boy, as though it were some incredible prize. "Its some old book I found in the storehouse. Looks like my ancestors were researching how to summon demons! So like, I've gotta find out if demons really do exist!"

Prancing away, he spun in place like a giddy schoolgirl.

"But y'know, if a demon really did come out, it'd be pretty dumb to just chat with it and have nothing to offer him." Those dead, fish-like eyes narrowed upon the gagged youth, utterly abandoning any and all pretense of civility. "So kiddo...if something really does show up, mind if I let it kill you?"

At this statement the boy shrieked anew, struggling against the ropes that held his limbs, to no avail.

"Ha! I wonder what's its like, being devoured by a demon! Its got to be a once in a lifetime-ow!"

His own pitiable circuits, sleeping until this very moment, awoke violently.

So too did the circle he'd finished tracing.

An explosion of light and sound and _presence _ripped young Ryunosuke from his feet and hurled him away as though he weighed no more than the child he'd kidnapped. His back struck the wall with a solid crunch and he felt something tear deep inside him. But even that thought was stripped away by the sight unfolding before him.

"Oi, oi, oi! What the hell?!"

Pain blazed violently across his right hand, forcing the young man to turn his attention away from the boy thrashing violently at his feet. To his mild confusion a strange series of seals bloomed there even as he clutched at them, red as blood. Huh? He saw them sure enough, but their meaning escaped him. What kind of tattoo was this? He'd never had one in his life! So why were they there now?!

At some unseen command, the smoke cleared, revealing something.

No.

Someone.

He hadn't actually expected someone to show up!

Though the newcomer was as lean as he was tall, he was just as fancifully dressed. He wore a simple battered blue jacket, left open at the front to expose a shirt of many colors, but mostly orange and black and blue. He looked quite the fool, 'tis true. Clad in little more than that, he didn't even deign to wear a hat. Bright blue eyes like sunny skies narrowed upon Ryunosuke, his tan face framed by whiskered cheeks alongside an unkempt mess of unruly blond hair. No effort was made to tame that wild mess, rather, he just stared.

"You called me, right?" his voice had a decidedly...off quality to it. As though he were reading lines from a script, and trying VERY hard not to laugh. "I don't see another mage in sight."

What was with all the rhyming? Was that his shtick or something? God, he hoped not. Rhymes were cool when you used them sparingly. But still! An actual demon! How cool was this?!

At this the murderer finally managed to master himself.

"So coooooooool! Hey, hey! Are you a demon? Did I, the great Ryunosuke actually summon a _bonafide_ demon?! For real?!"

In the face of his childish joy, that jolly smile didn't waver in the least.

"That depends on your definition of the word, kiddo." the newcomer uttered a jaw-popping yawn and stretched-wow, he really was just skin and bones, wasn't he?-but something in the movement instantly put the killer on edge. For some reason it reminded him of a hungry lion about to pounce. That...that was absurd, right? This guy wouldn't attack him, he'd given him no reason to. Right? He definitely wasn't going to die, right? So why did he feel like trembling beneath those blazing blue eyes?

"You got a name?"

...just call me Jester." came the reply. "That'll do for now. Now, since you summoned me-

A faint shifting on the floor caught his attention, and that smile shattered.

Ryunosuke facepalmed. He'd forgotten the kid!

How rude of him.

After all, the runt was supposed to be a sacrifice, wasn't he? And he'd just left him lying there on the floor like a bag of bones! He was even trying to crawl away before he'd bumped into Jester's shin! What kind of host did that make him when he let his meal escape? In one smooth movement Ryunosuke reached down and grabbed his prey by the scruff of the neck.

Still, that small smile never wavered.

"Hey, you wanna kill this brat?"

Jester's eyes turned black.

.

..

...

_**...burn in hell."**_

Ryunosuke never felt his death; much less saw it coming. One moment he was staring at the Servant's smirking face, wondering why he was laughing. There was something in his hand now, something that hadn't been there before. What was that? A bone of some sort? He didn't have time to observe it any closer than that. In the next, his head flew from his shoulders in a great gout of gore. Eyes rolling in his head, skull tumbling, his dying brain had time enough for a startled blink, one final nonsensical exclamation.

"So cool...

Then his severed skull struck the floor, bounced once, and he knew no more.

Wordlessly, Naruto bent to untie the boy, sparing the corpse no more attention than he would an ant.

Sure enough the youngster scrambled free the moment the cords fell away. Poor thing, Naruto mused. He was scared out of his wits. Some small part of him pitied the kid; an event like this left scars, no matter how hard you tried to repress them.

"You gonna be okay there, kid?"

A hesitant nod greeted him. "What are you going to do now, mister?"

"Dunno." came the lazy shrug. "Probably screw around a bit, maybe get a bite to eat."

Whistling a jaunty foreign tune, the blond kicked down the nearest wall and set off into the night. After only a moment's hesitation, the child stumbled away in the opposite direction. Pity. "Jester" didn't even deign to look back. Why should he? There was nothing left for him in that room. Best left forgotten, that. No, this was a time for celebration! He was alive again! He could breathe! Think! Feel! The world was his oyster once more! He could go wherever he wanted! Do whatever he wished!

But most importantly...!

"Now, where can I find a good hot dog at this hour?"

Fuyuki City would never know what hit it. Nope. Not at all. Not in the least.

Masters, Servants, even innocent bystanders; in his eyes, all were fair game for him.

After all...when you went on a pranking spree, you pranked everyone equally. That was his motto.

And if he laughed a little at the thought, what of it? It wasn't as if there was anyone else to hear him cackle.

In the days to come, some folks were gonna have a bad time. Others were gonna have a good time. And as to the rest...

Oh.

Well.

Well, well.

Well, well, well.

That'd be telling, wouldn't it?

**A/N: A Naruto wield the power of Sans. ****I guess you could say he had a "bone" to pick with Ryunosuke.**

**He's all the definition of a glass cannon. Hit him a couple times and he's dead.**

**But he can make you have a bad time.**

**X_X**

**There.**

**I regret nothing.**

**Now, don't freak out.**

**Once again, 'tis a PARODY!**

**Now I'm sure you have questions.**

**So by all means, review away and ask me them.**

**I have something much worse waiting in the wings, but...I'll wait.**

**I'll leave it to you to guess if this is the Big Bad I've been building up or not.**

**So. You know what? I'm going to switch it up; I'll leave it to you to decide. So. Go ahead. Let me know.**

**Servant roster is completely different, sans Gilgamesh. Because he's fun to mess with. Wonder how a Sans!Naruto could stack up to him.**

**With this, nearly every Master in Fate Zero has been used once. Except Tokiomi. And he's already in a loose association of sorts with "A Most Unlikely Assassin" So...nope! I'm not going to go around pairing Naruto with every Master under the sun, because frankly, that would be boring. Really, the only masters left-off the top of my head-are those of the Red and Black factions, and that's just too much tedium for me to keep going back to Apocrypha with.**

**Reviews are love, Reviews are life, Reviews keep me alive.**

**Despite the trolls and flamers howling for my death.**

**So, in the Eternal and Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly? Please?**

**No previews. Sorry, everyone.**

**I'm not in a good mood.**

**...fine. But only one.**

**(Preview)**

_"Silence, mongrel."_

_Naruto blew out a breath._

_"Kings like you...should be burning in hell."_

_And the world burst into a blinding flash of blue light._

* * *

_"Look, lady. Independent Action will only get me so far. So whaddya say?"_

_Jester held up a piece of paper. "Wanna make a contract?"_

_"If you're hiding a whoopee cushion again-  
_

_"Perish the thought!"_

* * *

_"Two against one? Fine. That's fair."_

_One eye burned a ghastly blue._

_"Wanna see a magic trick?"_

* * *

_"Life is a joke. I'm the punchline. Speaking of which. Dodge."_

_Lancer blinked. "What do you mean do-UGACH?!"_

_His fist withdrew. "You weren't ready."_

**R&R~! =D**


	2. A Most Unlikely Pun

**A/N: WARNING!**

**This chapter has...themes. **

**There. You've been warned ahead of time.**

**On another note...I somehow rolled Enkidu on the Cleopatra banner this morning. I wasn't even looking for him! Saw the gold card and thought he was Vlad at first, but nope! Wasn't expecting that! At all! That's the last time I roll at work, I nearly gave some of my coworkers a heart attack with that yelp today.**

**I wanted Nitocris though...**

**Now, then.**

**Hold onto your hats!**

**Because we meet Jester!Naruto's master in this chapter. Be sure and read it ALL THE WAY THROUGH before you make your judgement.**

** Bah, trolls can begone.**

**Now lets keep going, shall weeeeee?**

**Now, I'm not begging for reviews here. I'm grateful for every kind word and criticism I get. But its when folks curse and threaten me that I begin to lose my temper. ****Anyway, I'm off to work another double. Looking forward to your reviews when I get back. ****So here. Have a parody. Enjoy. ****Out of spite for the trolls. Enjoy it. Have at ye.**

**Reviews are love. Reviews are life. Reviews make me strive. And alive.**

**As ever, this will be gone in _two days_ if folks don't like it.**

**References are glorious and I own nothing~!**

**And yes, this is actually a class~!**

**Rhymes are meant to be silly~!**

_"See. That's the funny thing about humans. You're predictable. Its like a bad pun, when you think about it._

_Servants, on the other hand...well! You never know what a stray Servant might do these days._

_One well-meaning rogue Jester-Caster!-wandering around, causing havoc..._

_...sticking his nose where he shouldn't, killing people...well..._

_...that could change the world. Dont'cha think?"  
_

_~J._

**A Most Unlikely Pun**

_Where to start?_

For the first time in his UN-life, Naruto found himself at something at a loss. Getting a bite to eat had only seemed natural at first; though Servants didn't strictly need to eat to sustain themselves in this world, he'd found himself feeling peckish regardless. Now that he'd procured a meal for himself he found that the night was still far too young; indeed, the distant glimmer of stars overhead was his sole companion as he allowed his legs to carry him where they willed. He could feel Servants fighting in the distance, but he had no real desire to show himself. Not here. Not yet. Not without a Master to sustain him.

With Independent Action-thank god for EX rank-he'd at least bought himself some semblance of time so long as he didn't fight, but beyond that, he didn't know what to do.

Guess you could say he had a bone to pick with someone.

Ha! Sans would've liked that one, he thought.

All joking aside, it still left the matter of potential targets. Even as a Servant, this body was...brittle.

One good solid hit and his head was bound to pop right off, with the rest of him in short order.

Honestly, if it weren't for his evasive skills, he might actually be worried.

Nothing short of an overwhelming assault was going to do him in, and he was Determined to avoid anyone capable of such an assault. Now that he dwelt on it, probably best to just outright avoid most of the heavy hitter classes altogether. Saber or Berserker would likely bat him around, given the former's resistance to all things magical. He only had so many healing items after all, and once those were gone, he'd be up a creek without a paddle. After all, you couldn't recover HP if you were dead now, could you?

Try as he might, Naruto couldn't help but think of this as a game.

It was the only way to stay sane.

Everything was so...fresh for him, now that he was experiencing it for himself. So new. The Holy Grail had only provided the most basic information pertaining to Fuyuki; even then that paled in comparison to its towering skyscrapers, and the simple rustic beauty that was its countryside. And the Servants. Couldn't forget them. He could muck about all he wanted, and the timeline would either reset, or be so horribly altered as to become something new. The notion of the latter was horribly appealing in its own way. So, yes. A contract. If he wanted to keep playing, he needed to restore his mana.

But with whom?

Rounding a corner, the bemused blond paused at an intersection and made snap decision.

He'd go right.

There was no rhyme or reason to where he went; the whiskered warrior simply chose his directions and random, uncaring of where he went, so long a she went _somewhere._

In any case, he doubted there were any unclaimed magi of import wandering about; nor did he think any of their Servants would take kindly to him swooping in and stealing their glorified mana battery, either. Swooping was bad. If he could avoid that, he would. But in the same vein, Naruto didn't want to ally himself with anyone if he could help it. Which was a problem, you see! He understood the benefits of an alliance, even wanted to ally with one of the tankier Servants, but he simply couldn't bring himself to agree to the concept of it. His soul rejected the notion wholeheartedly. Perhaps that was his Mental Pollution talking. But broken psyche or not, he was running out of time.

So in his wanderings, did Naruto come to the Matou household.

Literally.

He smashed right through the first bounded field without noticing; the second he experienced as a slight tingling against his skin. The third actually caused him to jolt a bit as some-or was it something?-unseen force tried to siphon off all his remaining mana at once when he crashed into a wall. Shaking off a fleeting sense of nausea, the hybrid craned his neck, shook himself free from the ghastly tether, and finally noticed his surroundings had changed; when he wasn't looking, at that.

The house itself was rather rustic, set in typical feudal Japan style. A touch odd for the times perhaps, but who was he to complain?

Because there was something...here.

A faint presence, not quite visible, but distinct all the same.

Consumed in his thoughts though he'd been, his body must've sensed it amidst his musings. As such, it was subconsciously drawn to it without realizing the cause. Well! Whatever it was, it would have to do. Independent Action was beginning to drain him after that encounter with the field and he had no desire to fade back into oblivion. Yet something held him back. He could still sense that tiny beacon of light somewhere in the house, but now he gradually became aware of something else; a foul, tainted presence that made him want to retch.

"Well." he set his jaw and started forward, "Here goes nothing."

His mind made up and his heart set, Jester waltzed up to the door and wrenched it open.

No sooner had he done so than he found himself greeted by a cloud of winged insects. He swatted them like the gnats that they were and nothing else emerged to challenge him when he slipped inside. Nor did he seek out a fight. Yes, there was definitely something here, but he knew not what. Everything was muted now, his senses fuzzed out as though someone had thrown a heavy wet blanket over him. No, more than that.

This place felt...empty.

Cold. Utterly devoid of life or warmth.

"Huh." he mused aloud, voice echoing down the damp, empty halls. "Nice place ya got here. Downright...gloomy."

He took a moment to laugh at his own joke before continuing on. "Alright, that was a horrible pun, I admit. No need to ghost me. Anyone home?"

Only dust and cobwebs answered him.

"Yeesh. Tough crowd."

It was all smiles and snickers until he found the basement.

No, deeper than the basement, beyond it, and the catacombs within.

What he saw there stripped the smile from his face and flayed his humor down to the bone.

Rather than some musty wine cellar, or a collection of old books, a giant antechamber awaited the whiskered warrior as he finished his descent upon the stone staircase. Indeed, his journey reached its ultimate end as he arrived at this, his final destination. His stomach heaved traitorously. In short order he found himself overlooking a great pit; while within said pit, thousands of writhing worms and other ghastly insects thrived. Had that been the end of the chittering mass, he could've left with a clean conscience, if a tad disgusted.

It was not.

There was someone down there.

A tiny body amongst the writhing masses.

No, he realized. Not just a body. An actual living person.

An inhumane snarl built at the back of his throat, shattering all thought.

Even from her he could see her glassy eyes; the broken gaze of someone who'd long since lost her will to live. Thrown in the center of the pit for gods knew what reasons, he could only guess at why she was there. First two didn't count. How could any one human do this to another? It took his already precarious faith in humanity and threatened to dash it against the the ground like a brittle skeleton. The longer he stared at this hideous worm pit, the more disgusted he became, until finally

"Nope." the word emerged a growl, warped and furious. "Kill it with fire."

Something in Naruto's soul turned to ice, and his burning blue eyes began to ache. His hands snapped up and a pair of giant, ghastly skulls answered his call to arms at once, looming large over his shoulders. With nary a snap of his fingers, light swelled within their fanged skeletal jaws. Screw this. He'd raze this place to the ground and all the memories of it; he would make sure no one remember any of this. The first blast burst from the rightmost skull and sent the insects shrieking away from the light. The second incinerated Away from the girl. Creating an opening.

He dove into the gap and grabbed the girl, leaping blasting his way free when the teeming horde of insects tried to devour them both.

Alighting upon the stone steps, he hastily removed his blue hoodie and wrapped the girl in it as best he could.

"Hey, kid."

No response.

"Oi! Kid! Answer me!" He shook her. "What's wrong with you?!"

"Violated over and over, like a broken little doll, and all for naught." a rough, hoarse voice intoned somewhere above him. "Such a shame. I had...such high hopes for her."

When the mastermind made his grand appearance, he couldn't help himself.

He turned to face the one who had spoken, eyes blazing like twin falling stars in his skull.

"Hey." the words just came to him, and he was wholly unable to hold them back. "You've been busy, huh?"

He could see him now, shuffling down the steps, leaning heavily on a weather-worn cane. His putrid body. The rotten Soul lurking within. It would be so easy to reach out with his ability and yank it, smash him into a wall with his will alone. Perhaps he should. This...creature was clearly somewhat responsible for the girl's suffering, he just didn't know the depth of it. Yes, how very little he knew indeed. Yet for some reason, he felt as if he knew this man, his name at least; it was there, lurking on the tip of his tongue...

"Who are you?"

"My, my." the old man-Zouken!-rattled a rusty chuckle in response to his inquiry. "I was wondering who had the gall to break into my home in the middle of the night. How very fascinating." then those beady eyes shifted, gazing over the blond from his vantage point as one might an interesting ant. "I'll thank you to release my beloved granddaughter. Her training is still far from complete, you see. In the name of Matou Zouken, founder of this most holy ritual, I command you."

Said command elicited only the slightest twinge.

Well.

That settled things.

Naruto stood slowly, and the skulls responded to his stress, building another blast.

"Well, now." Zouken followed him with a keen gaze that bellied his decrepit body. "I see. You're a Servant with Independent Action. And a Caster at that. No wonder you made it past my defenses; no wonder you can fight through my commands." slowly, inexorably, he shuffled forward. "I had thought to summon that class, you know. It didn't work at the time. Now I see why."

Naruto didn't reply; he simply stared.

"Tch." Zouken scoffed softly. "One failure after the other. First that foolish girl Sakura, then Kariya, now this rotten husk of a Servant." He shook his head in mild dismay. "I suppose that man was right. I truly am cursed in this timeline. Seems nothing I do goes my way. And now you've come to muddle everything up again. Wearing his face, no less.

A seed of confusion bloomed in the blond's heart. Wearing whose face? Who the devil was he talking about? "Wait...what man?"

"Its none of your concern." came the verbal riposte. "You'll meet him soon enough...no, wait. I tell a lie. You won't."

As he looked on, the old man turned to shuffle back up the steps.

A distant rumble shook the world overhead.

"Berserker. Dispose of this pest."

The ceiling didn't so much implode as it did rupture; shattering against a mighty blow from above. Someone-something!-came crashing through the debris with a bestial roar, axes swinging madly. Naruto didn't even deign to face the assault head on; even as the creature tumbled down onto his head he snatched up Sakura and leaped away into an open alcove. It saved both their lives. Towering axes smashed down against the staircase and smashed it into fine powder. By the time the enemy Servant extricated his weapons, his prey had already escaped.

Tucking Sakura way into a place where he was certain the worms couldn't reach her, Naruto turned to face this new enemy.

It flew at him with a guttural roar and he bounded off a wall to meet it head on.

He couldn't afford to get hit.

Had to dodge.

One fatal blow with killing intent-and this brute had it in spades!-would smash him into bloody paste; render him a red smear on the wall. And those weapons were another matter entirely. He wanted absolutely no part of them. This mad dog would happily tear him apart if it got its hands on him and-YIKE!

All the world became a blur as he ducked under the creature's sweeping axes; dodging, weaving, tucking and turning as he fought with all his might to evade. Then he struck back, ramming a jagged shard of bone into his foe's chest. Berserker merely grunted and kept coming, only to be met by a hot wall of light from the still-hovering skulls above. One such blast struck him headlong in the mask, eliciting a harsh flinch. It cringed back and that ghastly thing concealing its face tumbled away, striking the floor with a sonorous clang. And it hesitated.

It truly was a miserable creature.

Crimson horns jutted from a tangled white mane as it turned to face him, its ghastly visage no longer hidden behind that hideous iron mask. It might have been human once upon a time, but no longer; its scarred flesh clung to a taut body horribly corroded and corrupted by outside forces alongside tainted iron, even the tattered red cloth and armor it wore had seen better days. Red eyes blazed out at him, wild and fierce and so very feral. This was a mighty beast, once upon a time. Now?

Now it just looked dead inside, a creature longing for death.

Well. His appearance certainly settled things. This could only be the Minotaur.

"Do you wanna have a bad time?" Against all odds, the sight made stilled something in Naruto. Despite his best efforts, he found himself planting his feet, straightening his spine, and pointing at a cold patch of shattered stone between the two of them. "Because if you take another step forward, well." a small smile bloomed on his gaunt cheeks. "You are REALLY not gonna like what happens next."

And then, incredibly, it spoke to him.

**"Kill...me...**

_Bugger._

"Whyever are you hesitating, Asterios?" Zouken's mocking laugh rang out above the stairs. "Must I use another Command Spell?"

Whatever mounting anger Naruto might have felt for this creature withered and died in that moment; he saw it for the pawn it was. Just another piece used by the depraved demon known as Matou Zouken. This thing might've been a good Servant once, before the old tyrant warped and twisted its body, corrupting its very existence, turning an already dangerous creature into something ghastly. Perhaps the horror of that realization slowed him just a touch; because when the abomination pounced again, he lost more than a few strands of hair this time.

Someone was screaming.

It took Naruto a moment to realize it was him.

Instinct threw him backwards as those annihilating axes crashed into the space he'd vacated just a moment before. Even then pain snarled across his right eye as one of the blades slashed across his face and cut through it, darkening half the world for him forevermore. Not a fatal wound, but a painful one all the same He blurred away and reappeared behind the Berserker, spitting blood. Another strike to the chest followed, another blow shrugged off as it closed the distance.

Not fast enough. He actually had to block this time.

**"Killed...so many children...couldn't help anyone! Couldn't...help her!"** it snarled at him, foam frothing over a skull and crossbones as they crossed weapons. **"KILL ME!"**

...alright, bub."

The skulls opened their jaws and for the first time since they'd met, Asterios howled in pain. At point blank range the light seared into his chest and hurled him back, blasting strips of flesh and bone from his hide as he fell into the pit. Even in their frenzied state the worms weren't foolish enough to try and feast on a Servant. Just as well, because another beam of light crashed down and blew a hole in the poor creature's torso. Even then he did not die, rather, the Command Spells binding him refused to allow him do pass on. They dragged him upright, his body spasming and twitching like a broken puppet severed from its strings.

Asterios charged and Jester stopped smiling.

"Just stay down, will ya? This hurts me more than it hurts you."

In that moment he reached out, tore through the Servant's rotten defenses, and found his core. It was so easy to take hold of it and turn it blue in his mental grasp; it should have been impossible where a Servant was concerned, their core was usually protected. But here? There was hardly an resistance to be spoken of at all. A mere flick of his wrist sent the Berserker lurching upright, another slammed him into the wall. Ceiling. Floor, any solid surface he could find until the giant finally stopped moving. Then he held him there with his mind, pinned his very existence, and sent the blaster-skulls swarming up to greet him one last time.

Fire rained down on the maddened Berserker, roaring pillars of light that burned stone and Servant and worm alike.

Asterios felt no regrets.

Yes. This was fine. He wanted to die like this. To be set free from his loathsome master; the fool who shackled him against his will. He knew the young man before him would protect that girl with his life. He might be a bit messed up in the head, but at his core, he knew his killer was a good person. He would defend the girl from the Old One and take her back to her family. He would do what he could not. He could die knowing that at least, she would be safe.

In his final moments as he dissolved, Asterios smiled.

_"What have you done?!"_

Zouken...did not.

As the charred ashes of his Servant fluttered to the ground, the worm contemplated fleeing. Caster-Jester?-had clearly demonstrated that he was a cut above the average Servant. And for all his immortality, Zouken knew he was no match for any such being. Unfortunately, a rare burst of impotent rage seized the old worm and muddled his thoughts. Again. Another failure. That was all he'd done. Fail. Time and time again. The Holy Grail was so close, so very much meant to be _his _yet always it eluded his grasp.

A lone blazing blue eye snapped up to glare at him.

...the same thing I'm about to do to you."

Bony fingers clenched white-knuckled against his cane as Caster retrieved Sakura and laid her on what remained of the steps. They clenched tighter still as the Servant started up those steps after him. There was no rush, no hurry, no frantic haste in his stride. Despite his ruined eye he still came on after him, lurching up the steps in stoic silence. All the while, that glowing azure orb blazed into him.

Damn him.

HOW DARE HE! All his preparations, all his planning, ruined! This wretched little Servant had the gall to stand up to him, to mock him.

"How?!" Zouken raged!

"My attacks don't hurt the body. They target your Soul, ya mook." His opponent growled. "And I can see yours clear as day."

"You can't kill me. You wouldn't dare!"

An open backhand cracked across his face, sending the old worm sprawling.

"See. That's the funny thing about humans." Caster's voice rose overhead as the contemptible creature scuttled back down the steps, their positions now reversed from earlier. "You're predictable. Its like a bad pun, when you think about it. Servants, on the other hand...well! You never know what a stray Servant might do these days. Why," A booted foot planted itself on his chest, pinning him against the crumbling stone. "One well-meaning rogue Jester-Caster!-wandering around, causing havoc, sticking his nose where he shouldn't, killing people like you, well...that could change the world. Dont'cha think?"

To his credit, Zouken tried to run.

Here at the end, self-preservation prevailed over frothing rage and he realized just how close Caster had gotten. Far too close. So, yes. Zouken attempted to escape like the coward he was. Let it never be said that he did not know when he was outmatched. He just wasn't fast enough. Even as he realized his peril, his vulnerability, it was too late to do anything. This boy couldn't just hurt him; he was clearly more than capable of killing him and worse, he would. He had to escape. To flee. Run away and live to fight another day.

Even as he began to dissolve into a writhing pile of crest worms, so too did he feel something tug at his chest.

What remained of his body lurched forward toward a taut claw of a hand.

And the blasters howled.

As one the ghastly duo of fanged skulls hovering over the blond's shoulders unleashed their fury upon Matou Zouken. Once. Twice. Thrice. Their was no hesitation here. No Mercy. None whatsoever. The hideous monsters masquerading as a man barely had time to scream before his world dissolved into a burning tower of searing light. But it didn't end there.

His suffering had only begun.

You see, while the worm containing the shattered fragments of Zouken's soul hadn't had a chance to bond over Sakura's heart as of yet, said soul was still quite capable of jumping from one familiar-worm to the next. For perhaps the first time in his life, he'd miscalculated. There had been no need to do so, no rush. Now he sorely wished he had. At least then he would've had a place to hide. Now? There was no escape. Even as the shard of his soul jumped from one familiar to the next, so too did Naruto seek them out and destroy them. One by one, he hunted each of them down, through nooks and crannies, burning them wherever he found them. None were spared.

He found them all.

Zouken died a dozen, then a hundred, then a _thousand_ times in the span of then minutes.

He begged. He pleaded. He tried to bargain, all to no avail.

Each time, the worm experienced the bowel-voiding terror of being hunted down and blasted apart. Each time, he fled, hoping-praying!-that this time would be different, that he'd be able to escape. Each time his mind fell further and further into madness with each subsequent "death". By the end, as Naruto crushed that final crest worm underfoot, Zouken couldn't even be called sane. Everything was burned away, scoured with fire and fury until nothing remained of the Matou's insects or their rotten legacy, not even ashes.

Jester never spoke. He simply went about his work with ruthless dispatch.

Until, finally, he couldn't ignore the elephant in the room.

"Guess that leaves you."

Tenderly, Naruto reached down and plucked his charge from the shattered steps. She didn't move in his arms; he feared the worst as he climbed out of the crypt and back to civilization. Another blast caused it to collapse behind him. All the while blank eyes gazed up at him for what felt like an eternity. She didn't respond. Didn't move. Were it not for the faint rise and fall of her chest, he would've thought her altogether dead. As things stood, she might be worse off than that; her mind could be broken, her psyche shattered by the trauma she'd endured.

"C'mon, kiddo." he grumbled. "Don't quit on me now...

She hadn't moved at all during the entire ordeal, and she didn't move when he finally climbed back into the home's parlor. She simply...laid there in his arms, still swaddled in his battered blue hoodie. Like a broken little doll. What had Zouken called her? He struggled to think around the pain of his ruined eye; clawing for a name. That ghastly vampire-creature had clearly called her...

"Sakura, right?"

At first, nothing happened.

Naruto forced himself to keep talking as he sank into a sofa. "Look, I know you're in there somewhere. Give me a sign, kid. I'm trying to help you here."

Then she stirred, nestled tightly into his thin arms. A small, silent tremor passed through her frail form.

And then came the word that would change his life forever. Just a pair of syllables.

Still, her response would irrevocably alter his very world.

_"Papa."_

Naruto nearly broke his neck with that subsequent double take.

In the end, only one word came to him.

_"EH?!"_

**A/N: And there we have it.**

**NOW BE SURE AND READ THIS! 'TIS IMPORTANT!**

**It was HEAVILY implied that the True Threat-aka the Real Villain-was here in this timeline only a few moments ago. He even stopped by to mock/warn 'ol Zouken beforehand, who, in this timeline, failed horribly in everything. Not only did Sakura fail to live up to his ghastly expectations, but Kariya died before he could become a Master. To that effect, the old worm tried to summon a Servant himself as a last ditch effort, only to end up with Asterios rather than Lancelot as a Berserker Servant.**

**Then Jester!Naruto came in and wrecked his shit.**

**Yes, that was a "corrupted" Asterios as Berserker. Poor fluffy boy is in a better place now.**

**As such, Naruto's found himself with Little!Sakura as his Master and not sure what to do with her. He knows jack all about Tokiomi and the mage families. If you're wondering why Sakura called him "Papa" well, she was clearly delusional...wasn't she?**

***grins***

**On another note Zouken is very much dead and dust. Ain't no mucking about for him. Our boy may be a prankster and punster, even a tad lazy at times, but this iteration is fully willing to throw down when it comes to a fight.**

**A Naruto wielding the power of Sans from Undertale. Fused with the bugger, even.**

**He's all the definition of a glass cannon. Hit him a couple times and he's dead. To clarify, he won't die in a "single" hit like the original, but the concept of dodging has been so engraved into his very SOUL that he doesn't want to get hit at all. Ever. Which means no suicidal rushes, no blitzes, just a cold, calculated assaulted designed to wear you ou**

**Reviews are love, Reviews are life, Reviews keep me alive.**

**Despite the trolls and flamers howling for my death.**

**So, in the Eternal and Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly? Please?**

**No previews. Sorry, everyone.**

**I'm not in a good mood.**

**...fine. But only a few.**

**(Preview)**

_Brynhild tilted her head._

_"You seem...familiar...like that man..._

_"Nope, nope, nope! I'm not sticking a bone in crazy!"_

* * *

_"Saber is MINE. You hear me?"_

_...I get the feeling you shouldn't be a Rider."_

_Mordred puffed out her cheeks. "Hey! Is that an insult?!"_

_"Hey now, you're the one riding a giant DRAGON. Why the long face?"_

_Her right eye twitched. "Just for that pun, I'm going to give you a ten second head start."_

_"Well, that's mighty kind of you-_

_"TEN!"  
_

* * *

_"Why should I return her to you?"_

_Tokiomi blinked. "I...beg your pardon?"_

_"Answer my first question. Did you know about the worms?"_

_The Tohsaka heir lost all color in his face. "Worms? Whatever do you mean?"_

_...you didn't know, did you?" a rusty chuckle answered. "I...that's not even funny. At all."_

* * *

_...well, well, well. That decides it, then. Time to die, you dirty Master killer."_

_Assassin stood slowly, offering him her own a ghastly glower._

_"Says the hypocrite." she said. "You killed yours."_

_"My first was a serial murderer." Naruto clicked his tongue in mild admonishment. "You killed that Master just now not on Kotomine's order, but because you saw an opportunity. Because you could. So, yeah. Guess you could say I've gone a bone to pick with you."_

_"And what of your second, then?" came the challenge. "Will you not kill her, as well?"_

_"Nope. Adorable foster daughter." his faux smile didn't falter. "Adopting her."_

_"Fool." she scoffed. "We are Hassan. We are legion."_

_His grin only grew. __"Bitch, so am I~!"_

**R&R~! =D**


	3. A Most Unlikely Daughter

**A/N: EDIT:**

**Delete twenty flames in the last five minutes. C'mon, trolls. This ain't funny. Can't we just enjoy a good story in peace?**

**UPDATE. SPREE. INCOMING.**

**So here we are, Back by popular demand!**

**You've been forewarned. I've been a busy little beaver these past few months!**

**In others news, ****I'm never going swimming by myself again. Thought it would be a good way to relax and unwind while recovering with a friend. Two of them went swimming while one stayed in the shallows with me. That's when we saw the shark. Nope, nope, nope! Fuck Great Whites! Fuck 'em! Scared the absolute hell out of me! Screw that!**

**Sharks are my one true phobia, ever since I suffered a nasty attack as a teenager. They are to me, what ghosts are to Naruto. **

**Nope, nope, nope! ****I ain't havin' that shit.**

**In any case, here we are, more proof that I haven't left the Fate fandom behind.**

**Reviews are love. Reviews are life. Reviews make me strive. And alive.**

**References are glorious and I own nothing~!**

**Sorry, this is short. But we're back.**

_"Its alright to be afraid, you know. Everyone feels fear every now and again._

_Me? I'm terrified, right now. One good hit and I'm dead as dust. But I don't let that fear control me._

_Because I have things to fight for, I hold onto that fear. There's something I have to here, someone I've gotta protect."_

_~?_

**A Most Unlikely Daughter**

_Sakura watched Naruto like a baby chick._

It was certainly easy enough from her perch on his back as he carried her down the street.

"You sure this is the right way?" he asked for what felt like the umpteenth time. "I think we're lost."

"Hmm." Sakura pushed her nose into his shoulder and nodded slowly, listening to the slow bead of his heart. "Yes, Papa. This is the way."

Caster -Jester!- made a choked sound, stumbled a bit, but kept walking. Sakura leaned her chin over his shoulder and clung on tight. A rueful chuckle greeted her.

"The hell do you keep callin' me Papa for...

Why wouldn't she? Papa was Papa, after all. He'd helped her. Saved her. Pulled her out of that pit. And so, her broken mind had latched onto him for all it was worth. Latched hard. On a certain level, the poor girl knew the blond wasn't human -not with that appearance!- but in the same vein she couldn't help but feel comfortable around him. He might look strange, but his arms were strong and his back was warm. His presence set her fragile heart at ease. Just having him around served to numb the horror that she'd endured. All those worms...all of those...no. Don't think about it.

This was a Servant. She knew that much.

Grandfather -no, Zouken!- had prattled on endlessly about such beings while she was in his care. Servants were beings of myth and legend, warrior from times long past. Some were from other worlds entirely. They could fight armies alone, and emerge triumphant. Crush mountains. Run faster than the wind itself. She'd seen them for herself. Berserker had been a _monster_ before Jester put him down. She'd not seen the fight, but when she had woken the Minotaur was gone and Zouken was nowhere to be seen. Naruto merely confirmed their deaths after the fact.

And a Servant needed mana to exist in this world. Which meant a Holy Grail War was about.

Did he have a Master? No, he'd said otherwise earlier while they were walking.

Then how was he here? Was he going to fade away soon?

No.

Her heart _lurched._

No, no, no! Not allowed!

Sakura didn't like that. She didn't want that. _No! _He was her pillar, her life, her light in the dark. When all hope was gone, he'd come crashing into her nightmare, swept her into his arms, and taken her to safety. Without him around, all those ugly memories threatened to come crawling through the cracks and ruin her all over again. It was easier to ignore them now, but if he was gone...!

"You got a bone to pick with me there, kiddo?" It was such a bad joke out of the blue, that Sakura couldn't help but giggle at it.

Just a touch.

Just a little bit.

It was too much for her.

She kept laughing and laughing, her words taking on painful note until she realized she wasn't laughing at all. With that bitter realization, the floodgates opened and the tears came. Sobbing. Weeping. They ran from her little eyes and coursed down her cheeks like a flood; all the emotions she'd locked away came pouring out, and this time there was nothing to stop them. Now that she was safe, there wasn't a thing she could do to hold herself back. Not anymore.

Sakura wailed.

It was a high-pitched, keening sound, one that filled the still night and swallowed it whole.

One that caused Naruto to jump.

Swept up in a wave of self-loathing, Sakura scarcely noticed when his boots ground to a halt. She never felt him gently pry her hands free from his coat and set her down. Nor did she see him turn around, for the moment her hands were free, they flew up to cover her eyes. She sank to her knees, her mind going to a small, dark place.

Zouken had done his best to make her a monster and although he'd failed in that particular endeavor in this timeline, he'd left his mark upon her all the same. She was dirty. She was filthy. She was rotten. Wretched. So many marks...so much pain...so much...!

_"Hey!"_

Something jerked her forward and she

blinked, alarmed to find her head buried in Naruto's chest, his thin arms cocooning her in a blanket of warmth.

"I thought this might happen." he sighed, stroking her back in small circles. "You were being too quiet. You shoulda told me you were hurting this bad."

"I wanna go home." she sniffled. "I want to pretend this never happened...!"

Naruto pulled away and mussed her hair.

"Look, kiddo." he sighed at last, fishing a fist into his pocket in search of something, "If you really wanna help me out, then there's something you can do for me. I'm just about out of energy." his sudden admission caused her heart to skip another beat. "Independent Action will only get me so far without a Master. Speaking a' which...ha! Found it!" Jester held up a piece of paper. "So whaddya say? Wanna make a contract?"

Sakura frowned, remembering an earlier prank. "If you're hiding another whoopee cushion in that sleeve...

"Me?! As if I'd do such a thing." Naruto granted her a grim grin. "Perish the thought!"

Instead, Sakura was left to squint at him as he held out his hand.

"I'll get you back to your family." he promised her, blue eyes going narrow. "I'll even win this war for ya, then use the wish to erase those awful memories Zouken left you with. Does that sound fair?"

Sakura dithered for a moment, torn between relief and terror as she gazed up at him. She wanted to forget. She really truly did...but forgetting Zouken meant forgetting him. She didn't want to forget Naruto. To simply deny her savior, the one who had gone through so much to save her, to act as if he'd never existed...there could be no more painful fate. She had to ask him. Had to know the truth.

"Will I forget you?"

"Only if you want to." he tilted his head. "Do you?"

Sakura shook her head violently, hair swaying in the breeze.

"Well, alright then." Naruto sighed. "Looks like I'm in this for the long haul."

"Promise." she whimpered the word like the child she was. "Y-You have to promise. No take-backs!"

Jester held out his little finger to her and little Sakura latched onto it with all her might. Which wasn't much given her size, but still. She held onto his hand and willed the contract to form between the two of them; felt the moment it snapped into place. She might be small, but at the end of the day, she hailed from a powerful and distinguished bloodline. Her circuits burned to life and Naruto sucked in a sharp breath. One of his eyes burned a sharp blue, trailing blazing azure flames at the edges. It was as he'd said; he had been running nearly on empty, existing on little more than fumes. Here and now, he came back to life.

"There we go." Naruto hummed. "Our pact is sealed."

Sakura opened her mouth to reply, only to hiss softly as her right hand burned. She cast a nervous glance there, already knowing what she would find.

A crimson sigil graced the back of her palm, a flowing symbol brushing against her tiny knuckles in three crescent waves.

Almost...almost like a spiral.

_"Now, then!"_

Without warning, Naruto gaze a loud whoop, stooped down, and scooped her up into his arms. Sakura yelped and clung on for dear life as he stood, but there was no danger to be had. Still holding her against his chest, he set out down the street and began humming a jaunty tune. In that moment, Sakura almost felt like a princess out of some fairy tale. Her face _burned_ and she buried her head into his chest. If Naruto saw it, he chose not to remark on her cherry-red cheeks.

Naturally, her Servant didn't say silent about it.

"Trust this old bad of bones." he grinned. "Everything's going _tibia_ okay."

Sakura dared a small smile. "That...that was a bad pun, Naruto. You're...bad."

"Hey, it got you to smile, didn't it?" he snickered. "Now, which way were we going again...?"

Here at the end of it all, he'd found a purpose again. To see her smile again, _truly_ smile...this was all that mattered.

**A/N: And there we have it.**

**Felt good to get back to some of my tried and true works again.**

**Call this a chapter, an interlude, or what-have-you, bu we hope you like it. My team and I worked our asses off to get this out the door. Half of us are going on vacation, while the rest of us are gonna stay here and hold down the fort until they get back. Rest assured, the update spree shall continue.**

**Reviews are love, Reviews are life, Reviews keep us alive.**

**Despite the trolls and flamers howling for our death.**

**So, in the Eternal and Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly? Please?**

**Next chapter come the brawls.**

**(Preview)**

_"I know what failure is, Sakura. I've seen great men and women faile over, and over, and OVER again. I've watched heroes die, clinging to their ideals. Honor, courage, pride? There's no place for them in a fight. No place for me, either. If I get hit once, JUST ONCE. Poof. That's it. I die. Let them spit on me if they must. I don't care._

_There is no honor in war. _

_War is ugly. War is cruel. War...is not about what must be done to win. No. Its about what CAN be done."_

* * *

_"We don't need to fight, you know. Lets work together. We could be friends."_

_Assassin laughed at him. It was a deep, throaty sound. "Imbecile!"_

_Naruto was silent for a long, awful moment._

_Sakura gulped. "Are you...alright?"_

_...that does it. Everything dies."_

* * *

_"ARCHER! Look at the bodies before you. **RUN!** Or this will be your fate."_

_"Mongrel." Gilgamesh twitched. "You dare to threaten the King...?"_

_"No. Not a threat." One eye burned blue. "A promise."_

**R&R~! =D**


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